Is anybody looking...?
I've never seen such a pair of wilting lilies! Come on!
But somebody's going to see us!
Of course they are! We're going to collect money from them. I mean, see us and RECOGNISE us!
Who'd recognise you like THAT !?
How do, Cleggy.
I'm not wearing this beard! It's down to me knees! I look a right twit with bearded knees!
Ye Gods! Are they doing everything in triplicate now !?
Ivy, have you any glue?
We've got soup, we've got meat and three veg and we've got Christmas pudding.
We don't get much demand for glue.
For sticking things!
There must be an answer to that somewhere!
See you later. Aye, about 6.
WHOO ! Get away!
Ah, thank you. And watch where you're putting it.
When did you last shave!? You feel like a hedgehog!
I feel like a right pillock!
You've discovered a new form of wildlife.
Little prickly pillocks gambolling in the hedgerows.
Stop moaning. It's for a good cause.
But do we have to dress up?
Yes! It makes it official.
There, that's better. I still hate it! The beard's fine. It's probably your face you hate.
It's too long! Come on...
Hey! Here! Sit here!
Now what!?
Where did we go wrong? With what? With our Glenda. I didn't know we had gone wrong with her.
Me neither. She's a good lass, our Glenda. I always thought so.
So what's the problem?
So why does she want a...
(waterbed)!?
Other people have waterbe... Sshhh! (Other people have waterbeds.)
Not in OUR circle. Showbiz, maybe, and other dubious activities.
She just fancies a waterb... Sshhh! She hasn't picked it up from me! Well, don't look at ME !
Has Barry talked her into it?
Barry couldn't talk himself into ANY bed, never mind a waterbe... Keep your voice down!
Clegg, you take the houses on this side, and YOU take the houses on the other.
And don't take "no" for an answer.
Make sure they understand it's for the church.
Merry Christmas, ho-ho-ho. We're collecting...
How do, missus. I'm collecting on behalf of the church...
..SOCIAL !
Did you see that!? Don't take "no" for an answer, he says (!)
With a bit of luck, I think we're seeing the beginning of a Christmas Resistance Movement.
I'm all for it.
The sooner a few people start fighting back against Christmas, the better it'll be.
I'll have the next one! I gave that one too much warning.
The secret is not to step out till the last moment.
What the blood and stomach pills...?!
# We wish you a Merry Christmas, We wish you a Merry Christmas, We wish you a Merry Christmas,
# And a Happy New Year. #
PEEP !!
Thanks (!) We're off-duty.
I wish you'd told my customers!
It's disgusting! What happened to the Xmas spirit? It's us CRUMS.
"CRUMS"...? Christmas Resistance Underground Movement.
I've been a CRUM for years.
This morning has cheered me up. It seems there are a lot of us CRUMS about. It's disgusting!
Landlord, three pints! I'm going to buy a drink for this here CRUM.
We're just a small, disorganised, peaceable mob,
dedicated to pulling Christmas back down to size,
to preserving an air of misery amidst all this good cheer.
Come back, Scrooge, all is forgiven.
We must be more forceful. They'll not run me down this time! I know just where to catch them...
Are you taking notes? Sheer genius!
SQUELCH !
What's up with him!? Don't ask!
What IS it?
It's a waterbed.
We need a hand to get it down...
EXHAUSTED GROANS
It's a bit limp for a waterbed. Well, it's not fully filled.
If we filled it fully, we couldn't carry it. We just put a bit of water in to test it.
I...I...Isn't it a funny shape?
I...I mean, I only ask that because, well, it seems such a funny shape.
It just needs bed clothes on it.
SQUELCH ! SQUELCH ! It looks a bit home-made.
It IS home-made. I made it.
Ah... Ah... Ah... What do you mean, "Ah"!?
I had to get one home-made. You can't afford a PROPER waterbed.
Anyway, I daren't walk into a shop and ask for one. People look at you very funny if you mention waterbeds.
That's understandable.
Just a minute... If it's for Glenda, what's it doing in Ackroyd's workroom?
Me car's in the garage! Anyway, it's a surprise. She doesn't know she's getting one.
We'll sneak it in the house when she's out. We'll need you lot to give us a lift again.
A FEW COINS RATTLE IN THEIR TINS
It's absolutely shameful going back with as little as this! We could share it out.
I never heard such...
Did you see that!? Some FOOL dressed as Father Christmas (!)
No wonder we're getting no money!
Some unauthorised Father Christmas is beating us to it!
We've got to stop him! How? Well, we have to catch him.
I'm not chasing Santa Claus when I'm dressed like Santa Claus! It'll look like Walt Disney's in town!
Very well. We'll get rid of these costumes and then catch him.
I'll have to go to a barber's!
OW ! GEROFF !
You'll pull my face off! Stop wriggling! I feel like the back end of a wire-haired terrier!
At least that end doesn't bite.
You look surprisingly good. You look...like Captain Birdseye.
Me old hearty, have a go at this...
Oh, fish fingers.
I'll get the solvent. Good idea.
What's solvent? Something you'll never be.
Now, we'll soon have these off.
Here you are. People just don't realise there's an imposter pretending to be Father Christmas.
Happens every election.
Listen, we can't rush all over town chasing a Father Christmas.
What we want is to ambush him. But where? Get that off and I'll show thee. Right...
R-R-R-I-I-P ! ARRGHGRGH !
How do you know he'll pass here? What do you want - a guarantee (?) Life's a gamble, Shorty.
That's one thing we do know about in the lower orders. We could get "A" Levels in uncertainty.
Ah, thank you.
You're being very thoughtful today. How would you like to join us CRUMS ?
After Christmas.
COMMOTION
Sorry...
Where's the bar!?
Ah, there you are!
Shop!
Over here!
Ah-ha...
..aargghhh !
THUD !
I'll have a small half.
Will you be able to find it (?)
And not too much froth on it!
Is this table taken, ladies? Sit down, Eli! Oh, it's you, is it?
What's he looking out there for?
Father Christmas.
Ask a silly question!
There he is! Stop him!
Has he come!? Has he come!? Bit early, isn't it?
HOI !
I knew it! He's up to no good!
He's an imposter! Suppose we do catch him - do you think he might be violent?
In your experience, has Father Christmas been violent? Oh, get on!
Have you no sense without your reindeers!? I'm damn glad we didn't meet up a chimney!
'Ey up, it's my true love! Has tha seen a Father Christmas? He damn near bowled me over!
The lucky devil ! I've been trying to do that for years!
You looked like a hole in a mohair jumper with them whiskers.
If tha's never snuggled up to a hole in a mohair jumper, tha's never lived! Give us a kiss!
Get off! Oh, I do apologise!
We tried to give him away for Christmas. And failed.
Excuse me. Have you seen Father Christmas? Are you kidding?
Have I seen Father Christmas!?
You're a comedian! Ha-ha-ha! Do you finish with a song?
Have I seen Father Christmas!? Just look over there!
Ye Gods, it's a swarm! There's probably a Queen Father Christmas in that lot!
There he goes! We can cut him off!
Got ya!
Let's have a look at thee!
Howard! Howard! Howard! It's a lie! I bear only a superficial likeness to this "Howard"! Come off it!
You're wondering why I'm dressed up as Father Christmas. You're going to tell us, Howard.
Suppose I was to ask you, for old times' sake, not to pry into a person's private life?
We'd carefully consider your request...and decide against it.
I appeal to YOU, Cleggy.
Not in that dress!
You can tell me! I'm a responsible person. I have shares in British Gas.
'Ey up! Is it thee that sends me these threatening red letters!? I thought that was your electric.
No, we came to an arrangement - they cut me off. What do you do for essential services?
I go to the off-licence, of course!
Promise you won't laugh? Oh, we promise. Promise! Promise.
Well, you know about Santa's Grotto for the kids in town? Well, guess who Santa is?
You promised you wouldn't laugh! Oh, be reasonable, Howard! There are limits!
Tha's not cut out to be a Santa. Tha'd do better at funerals.
I'll be at one if Pearl finds out! Oh, it could be an improvement. You don't get many kids at funerals.
It can put you right off kids. I'd sooner play with wasps.
So why did you volunteer? It's the only way I get to see Marina over Christmas.
How come? She's working there, too. She's the Good Fairy.
Good grief!
Not a word to Pearl.
But how can she not know? Where does she think you are all day?
At me Auntie Wainwright's.
The poor old soul lives all alone.
She's got this little business,
and she's had this premonition that she's going to be broken into on Christmas Eve.
Have you told the police? That an old lady's had a premonition that she's going to be broken into!?
Not exactly evidence, is it (?)
In that case, you need somebody with organising ability, who can arrange the necessary precautions.
He calls this a business!?
Huh! What a load of rubbish! Well, if all you're going to do is stand there and be tactful...(!)
But look at it! Who's gonna start nicking stuff like this!?
If they start nicking this, I shall have to start locking MY place up!
Anyway, it's stuff the old lady's probably had for years.
It's up to some responsible person to see she doesn't get ripped off.
It's a good job I've taken over! You can't leave it to amateurs - not the defence of a dear old lady.
Don't nick anything!
You're on Candid Camera!
I know that voice!
She was the witch in "Snow White"!
Three friends of Howard, Auntie Wainwright.
He...he asked us to call.
Oh. Well, he knows I'm not as fit as I was. I've got a dicky ticker.
The hospital told me it was indigestion, but I'm not one for false optimism.
I won't live in a fool's paradise!
Something for Christmas, is it?
I get lots of fellas in. They've got their major presents for their loved one,
then they come to me looking for something for the wife.
Actually, we didn't come to BUY anything...
We're here on an errand of mercy. I was just going their way...
Come on in. Don't be shy. And bring your things with you.
Well, you paid good money for them. You can't leave them lying about.
Sit down. I'll make some tea.
SHOP BELL
She's a fast mover for her age! I wonder if she's got a licence to travel at that speed.
She's a demon saleswoman! You just have to be patient with her.
Never mind that! Can we afford her?
Time wasters! Could they have a look round? "'Course you can", I told 'em.
But it's a different game when you charge them a shilling for it! You'd think I'd asked for the earth!
I suppose you'd like a nice cup of tea? Oh, aye! Please! Thank you.
That'll be 10p each.
You won't get it for that price anywhere else. I'm a fool to meself.
Still, you are friends of Howard's and it is Christmas.
Aw, 'eck!
ONE teabag!? Keep your voice down!
For FOUR cups of tea!? I hope she stirs it with a strong spoon!
Stirring's extra...!
How do you like it? STRONG !
Oh, not good for you, strong tea.
I'll be safe enough round 'ere (!)
It's a poison in large quantities. I bet that's slow round 'ere, too!
It's a known medical fact. Mind you, they tell me I've got indigestion, but I know it's a dicky ticker.
It doesn't look very strong... I think I put too much milk in.
Does anyone want sugar? I wouldn't mind! Ooh, it's always the same -
you see someone dressed like a tramp and it's a pound to a penny they live in reckless luxury!
Reckless, aye. Luxury, no!
I wonder what THIS'LL cost (?)
Depends how much you have.
Ask her if she was in "Snow White".
What was that!? Eh...the tea, Auntie Wainwright, is snow-white.
As we said, we're here on an errand of mercy - to protect you over the Christmas period.
Oh...well... That's nice. Yes...
One good turn deserves another... You can help me with the blind.
We're going to have a collection!
No, no, no, the SHOP blind. I want to get it up, but it's stuck. But that's TWO good turns...!
Like I said, one good turn deserves another.
Ah.
I should have warned you, I'm not good at heights.
You DID warn us, at least 20 times!
I didn't think you heard me, as I'm still on this chair!
Is everyone pushing properly? We are at this end. All together now...
PUSH !
Don't worry. All we have to do... is I'll pull and you push.
One, two, PUSH !
Look what you've done! You've hidden all me display space!
It's just come down a little too far.
GRUNTS OF EFFORT
It's no good! You're not framing properly! I had it a minute ago!
You had it wrapped round you a minute ago! You looked like Seymour of Arabia!
You're not doing any good down 'ere.
It should be possible from here.
How high is it...? It's not high at all.
Can anyone remember, are hospitals open over the Christmas period?
Not so fast, NOT SO FAST !
Clegg, you better go downstairs and feed the blind up from below.
I tell you what - I'll go downstairs and feed the blind up from below.
Right! Ready? Arrghh...!
ARRGGHH ! GET ME BACK IN ! Not yet.
Can you grab the blind?
NO ! Well, you'll be able to when Clegg pushes it up a bit. Oh, har-bloody-har (!)
Rush, rush! Everyone's always in such a hurry!
Here, I found this. Is it any use? I can't afford it... I can't afford it!
It's not for sale! It's for pulling the blind in and out! Oh... Ah...
Get on with it! Ah... Come on, then!
Higher, now... Come on, higher!
Norman, will you... ARRGGHH !
Get me out!
You great dozy buttock! You'd better go inside, Auntie Wainwright...
YEAOWW...!
Do you want your bottle?
Prr-zz-rr-zz-rr-zz-rr-zz-rrzzpp!
What are we going to get for me Mam?
Are none of these for your Mam?
You don't listen, Barry!
These are for me Dad, her next door, your Uncle Edward, your Aunt Sylvia and the milkman.
How long have you been buying presents for the milkman!?
He never misses a morning. It's not just for you! He does the whole street!
He deserves a Christmas present.
Or I'll never be able to rest
when I hear his bottles rattling on a cold wet morning when I'm still warm in bed.
Just don't tell anybody.
Tell anybody what!? That you buy Christmas presents for the milkman.
Why shouldn't I ?
People make jokes about housewives and milkmen. Barry!
They won't believe you can't bear to hear his bottles rattling. Will you get on!?
Can I ask YOU something? What is it?
Well, I've been wondering lately... Aren't we buying a terrible lot of cream?
Oh, Barry!
Oh, yes! That'll be MY Christmas wish, too!
Oh, dear, oh, dear.
Have a chair.
How much is it?
Sit down a minute. I'll make some tea.
AW...! AW...! AW...!
Did you get the blind back? Aye. And they've twisted MY back!
Is it safe? Oh, it's perfectly safe.
How long's he been Father Christmas? Ask the Good Fairy (!)
My, they've got some nerve!
Who has?
Who is SHE ? Our Milburn's girlfriend.
It's to be hoped her colours never run!
Well, at least I always know where he's been.
WHO'S been Father Christmas?
Feel free to ask away, Fran (!)
I like to take an intelligent interest in conversations.
"Intelligent"!? She's as daft as our Milburn.
I bet Howard's hoping nobody recognises him. Especially Pearl !
Howard WHO ? The one who's married to Pearl, if you must know.
Oh, that one! It's to be hoped there's not another one!
He used to be a famous soldier.
He used to tell Crusher war stories about how he captured Burma.
I think he had some help (!)
He never said anything about help!
No, he wouldn't!
'Ey up, it MUST be Christmas! There's Nora, under the mistletoe!
Get away! Don't start!
Just 'cos you shaved your whiskers, you're still not Julio Iglesias!
I wouldn't mind living next door to Julio Iglesias.
# Orghgh, whe-e-en THEY beegeeen At the beGINNN-i-i-ing... #
Get away! There IS no mistletoe! Wanna bet?
Get him away! Behave yourself!
SIT DOWN !
Shurrup! See, Norm? Takes TWO of them now to keep me in order.
Lucky you. You'll soon have as many as Julio Double-Glazing.
Hello, Mr Utterthwaite. Good day! Crusher says you're a war hero, too.
Ah... He was telling me how you shot down 17 German fighters.
Oh...my war-time mascot... Came with me on 127 missions...
Three teas, please, Ivy.
Who IS she!?
# Good King Wenceslas looked out
# On the Feast of Stephen,
# When the snow lay round about,
# Deep and crisp and even.
# Brightly shone the moon that night,
# Though the frost was cru-el,
# When a poor man came in sight,
# Gath'ring winter fue-ue-el. #
JULIO IGLESIAS RECORD ON
It's funny... All this time and I still expect him to walk in that door like he used to...
every Christmas... daft as a brush, semi-plastered.
I know... It's having all that bed to yourself that gets ME.
I'll say this for my Wally - he never took up much room. It was like having a bed to yourself.
MINE used to spread himself all over the bed. Every night was like being trapped in the January sales.
You never realise how much you'll miss things.
I know. I just hope, wherever he is, he's airing his vest.
DOORBELL
Who's that? Some fat bloke...
Oh, it's YOU,
you dozy penn-orth!
What are you doing as a fat man!? Good grief!
Is it fancy dress? It's not one I fancy!
They said to get well wrapped up. We're on burglar patrol tonight for Howard's Auntie Wainwright.
She's on her own. At Christmas!? What a shame!
So, could you pop over and mend me fire? Shall YOU be in? No. Then I will.
Tha's nice and cozy in here. Why not? It's Christmas Eve.
Some folk get all the luck.
Nora, before I go out to make the streets safe for old ladies,
give us a kiss... Oh...!
With you around, they'll NEVER be safe!
He gets no better! It's Christmas Eve. You should have given him a kiss.
You know where that leads to! In that lot!? It's the safest opportunity YOU'LL ever get!
By the time he got out of that lot, it'd be spring!
He's worse then. I have to keep EVERYTHING locked when it's spring!
KNOCK AT DOOR
Come in.
Don't just stand there! Come in! If tha'd get out my way, we could get in!
If you like, I could go home and come back another day... Come on! Oh, dear...!
Take something off! You'll boil ! Aye, it is a bit warm.
Don't melt! I'd hate to see you as just a puddle in your wellies.
No, no! Now, Clegg...
Mnmnhmm...
Who is it? It's just my two chaps and 33 jackets.
Oh...! We're going to need a bigger table. Can you fetch that one? Oh, right. Come on, fellas.
You'd better give these to me, (otherwise she'll sell them!)
Now, I thought we could all sit down to us Christmas supper.
Christmas supper! I like it, I like it! But can you AFFORD it?
There'll be no charge for Christmas. I'm not a heathen. Now, I've been busy putting up the decorations. Oh!
Ah... Ah, a sprig of holly!
Y-e-s... With more than one spike!
Tinsel ! Tinsel ! She's thought of everything!
It's all nicely understated.
Come on, the table... Yes, come on.
And don't scratch me paint!
Hoi!
Where do you think you're going!? To help Barry sneak Brenda's present in the house while she's at Vera's.
In broad daylight!? It's pitch dark, woman!
Not outside their house! I can't black out the whole town just to deliver our Brenda's present!
Well, you'll have to cover it up. I don't want the neighbourhood to know. Where is it now?
At Ackroyd's workroom. Then get it covered up. If you meet anyone, say it's for insulating the roof.
It's only a waterbed! Keep your voice down! KNOCK
It's the vicar! Why should it be!? Somebody's told him that our Glenda is getting a water...(bed)!
Pearl ! Come in.
Your Glenda's getting a what?
A water... ..bottle.
A water bottle!? Yes. For Christmas? She's always wanted a water bottle. Somebody's lashing out (!)
Oh, well, it isn't the cost. You know, it's the FEELING...
They've only been married two years. They shouldn't be ready for one yet.
There's worse things than water bottles. True. With a husband like mine, you appreciate a water bottle!
I'm off!
Mind how you go, (and avoid streets where people know you).
He could drive us to Nora Batty's. We'll walk!
Gonna be a right Christmas Eve! It hasn't started yet! Christmas will be over before it's started!
I look forward to January 12th.
Know why? Because it seems such a long way from NEXT Christmas.
Make yourselves comfortable. In a minute, we'll have a nice game of Ludo.
I think I'll check outside. It needs someone who can move like a cat in the dark.
He's going up a tree, Norm. Or to rub himself against people's legs.
If you hear 3 blasts on my whistle, come running. Have you a whistle?
Of course I... Oh...! Em...
Have you seen my whistle? Oh, never mind your whistle.
Now, my mother always used to offer us a glass on Christmas Eve.
I see no reason not to continue the custom. Shan't be a minute.
Things are looking up! Hee-hee!
'Ey up, these are a bit small ! I hope there'll be seconds!
These are not for swilling from! These are liqueur glasses,
meant to be sipped...
I hope it's not parsnip wine. I once got really depressed on that.
Not only was it a family custom, but they do say it does you good.
Don't do yourself too much good!
To all of us, a Merry Christmas!
THEY REPEAT THE TOAST
Yeugh, what the hell was THAT !!?
..Castor oil.
Me mother gave us it to ensure a healthy start to Christmas.
If tha hears three blasts on a whistle after this lot, I should shift!
What have they come here for? It's not very Christmassy.
Wait till you see Auntie Wainwright!
Round the back!
CLATTER !
There's someone out there! DON'T PANIC ! DON'T P-PANIC...
YOU'RE panicking! Can I plead for those who LIKE to panic? We'll be murdered in our beds!
We're not IN our chuffin' beds!
I have a plan! You haven't even got a whistle! Just leave this to me!
I want you to saunter outside, whistling, as though you haven't got a care in the world.
When they jump on you, we'll get 'em!
Stuff that! Let 'em jump on THEE !
That's not very co-operative! Well, thee go and do it! Let...let's talk about it...
KNOCK
What was that!? Someone at the door.
If they get in, that's it, we've had it! They'll be in!
But what if it's customers? At this time of night!? Perhaps someone wants a last-minute present.
All right, thee answer the door.
And, in the meantime... we will protect thee!
CHAOTIC YELLS
What a time to leap on people! Well, if you will creep about like thieves...
There's no place dark enough when you're involved with a waterbed!
Did we ought to leave Auntie alone? Yes! I'm up to here with Ludo!
I'm never going to get the hang of leaping on people.
SOMEBODY was doing pretty well (!)
Naturally. Now, let's give Wesley a hand with this damn thing, then get back here as quick as we can.
Why don't we give Wesley a hand with this damn thing, then get back here as SLOW as we can?
Me, working for a building society, involved with a waterbed!
Make room for a little 'un.
# WHEN WE SAY GOODBYE...
# Soon we... #
Don't swing it!
# We'll be sailing across the... #
Oh, God! What...?
What is it!? It's horrible!
Oh, it is...! It's ho-ho-horrible...!
It's a giant insect!
I-I-I-I-I bet it c-c-came in with a c-c-crate of b-b-bananas.
Is that what they do - carry crates of bananas?
I'll never eat another b-b-banana as long as I live!
Right, let's get this to Barry's.
You'll have to get in the back. Eh!? You've got a bed to sprawl on! Where's the hardship in that!?
I hope you don't think I'm being picky, but would you mind taking your shoes off?
I've had no end of trouble getting this waterbed. I'd hate it if anyone put their foot through it.
He's right. You don't go to bed with your boots on. Last one's a sissy!
Phwawrgh! Yeurgh!
It isn't half parky! Oh, he's right!
What IS it?
Looks like Morris dancers.
Shouldn't they have bells? That's lepers, isn't it? I thought leopards had SPOTS.
The little scruffy one looks as if he might have spots!
SQUELCH ! SQUELCH !
All right in the back?
YELLS OF COMPLAINT
All right, I'll go steady!
I'm never going to sea in an open waterbed again!
Tha's in for some rough nights, Barry. I dread it!
It's all in darkness. Oh, she's gone to bed.
I'll make out the duty roster. We'll take turns on sentry duty.
Oh, jolly rotten Christmas!
It's going to be a big night (!)
Oh, well, roll on January 12th. Even Christmas should be over by January 12th.
SHOP BELL RINGS Ssshh!
MERRY CHRISTMAS !
AH-HA !! NORA BATTY !
Where's the mistletoe!? Later...!
You heard that!
I don't know who's going to pay for all this...
ALL: Merry Christmas, Auntie Wainwright!
I knitted this specially for you.
Oh-hoh!
# Dee-dee-dee...!
# Oh...I...loved her in the spring-time, When the sun begins to shine.
# And I loved her in the summer When her undies are on the line.
# Oh, I loved her at Christmas, When the snowflakes start to fall.
# But last night, in the cowshed,
# I loved her best of all ! #
ALL JOIN IN...
# I loved her in the summer, When her undies are on the line...#
Kiss me properly, Howard.
I want to feel the earth move! I want to hear bells ring!
Well, I can't promise a real earth-shaking bell-ringer in the time available...
TRY !!
Ooooohhh...!
Howard!
CHURCH BELLS RING
Well...? Aren't you going to tell me what you got me for Christmas?
It's a surprise.
Subtitles by Chas Donaldson BBC Scotland/1988